Looking at work through the filter of family dynamics

Commentary. By Charles Atkins, MD, amednews contributor. Jan. 3/10, 2000.

COMMENTARY

Observations on the state of medical practice and medical life

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I've been thinking about the dynamics of the workplace and how insane both they and I can become. I was musing over this curious phenomenon at a hotel fitness center when a pair of young women in workout togs entered. They quickly settled in to their selection of adjoining Stairmaster and Exercycle.

In the gym there was none of the usual background noise from a television soap opera or Top 40 radio station. All I could do was listen.

"I feel like we were sandbagged," the woman on the Stairmaster confided to her friend. "You'd think they'd at least have the good manners to tell us before they went ahead and did it."

"I hate to think that about them, especially Steven, but I can't find another explanation. It feels like a plot," the Exercyclist admitted.

"They could have at least asked for our opinion before going ahead and doing that. I could just kill him."

As rivers of sweat rolled down my back, several assumptions ran through my head. I thought about how unfair it was that major decisions have been made without them. I thought about the double standard for women and wondered if that wasn't somehow influencing the devious Steven as he clawed his way to the top of whatever corporate ladder these women clung to. But just as I strategized about how these two could handle the situation, I caught the following snippet.

"He always does this with Mother. He always manages to play her off against the two of us."

My assumption was wrong; these were sisters. The conversation was about a change in evening plans: instead of going to Cirque du Soleil (their choice), they had gone to a jazz club in the French Quarter (their brother's choice). Suddenly I was siding with Steven; after all, you can see Cirque du Soleil in other cities, but a French Quarter jazz club ... well, it's unique to New Orleans.

What was interesting was how easily I substituted a work-related conversation for a family squabble and vice versa. This may be no great revelation, but as with any old truth, it takes on new meaning when we discover it for ourselves.

We recreate our families wherever we go -- and what better place than the workplace? Bosses transform into parents and peers become our siblings with all the incumbent rivalries and shifting alliances. I used to cringe when hospitals and other corporate entities referred to themselves as families; I now see the truth in this. As a psychiatrist I've yet to encounter a truly "functional" family, and that applies to organizations as well.

So what brings up this strange jag? It has to do with automatic ways of being in families and wanting to think about how this plays out at work, in myself and others. When I became a department director, I noticed that people around me changed in how they treated me. It put me through changes as well. Suddenly I was being deferred to in matters where that hadn't happened a week or two before. I had turned into a father figure and, depending on what people thought of dear old dad, it was a strange experience. There were the obedient children and the rebellious ones, the ones who hid things from me, and the ones who wished I'd hurry up and die so that they could finally inherit.

I find that viewing corporations through the filter of family dynamics holds up well. I see middle managers trying to keep hush about the thing they don't want Mom or Dad to know about. I find interesting collusions and factions that, if I squint my eyes, can easily turn into the kind of squabbles that I had growing up with my siblings.

"Mom! Charlie hit me!"

"Did not."

"Did so, and I'm going to tell."

Where this becomes doubly interesting is when we find ourselves meeting new people at the job and have decidedly strong reactions to them. These quick friendships and equally fast negative relationships are often the reiteration of something old and familiar. Without realizing it, we fall into ancient patterns with someone we've just met. As I harangue a fine but essentially meaningless point with an associate, I'm struck by the fact that this is just like any one of a thousand arguments I've had with my sister.

So what do we do with this truism of human nature: that we carry our families and family relationships with us? I think the take-home (no pun intended) message has to do with the recognition that these automatic attractions and repulsions, likes and dislikes, are worthy of our conscious attention; this is no small feat. But if we can identify patterns that didn't work when we were 4, 8 and 12, we might be able to try something different, and finally get over the fact that Mother always liked you better, and I never got the last piece of pie.

Dr. Atkins is the director of psychiatry at Waterbury (Conn.) Hospital and a member of the Yale clinical faculty. His latest thriller is "Risk Factor" (St. Martin's Press).